I got pregnant at 17. I feel me pregnant at such a young age, was a escape route for what I was hiding inside. My now ex husband, had everything I was lacking. A “family” I admire how close they where. How they shared their love for their parents. Everything I didn’t have at home . So I though I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh! Boy, was I wrong . But that my friends is another story.
I’m going to move forward a couple yrs. To me having my two boys. I’m now 20, with two children and yet I felt lonelier than ever. Don’t get me wrong I love my children, but I have to be honest I can’t truly express my love for them. Something inside of me won’t allow me to be that warm heart loving mother I always wanted to be. I can’t help to feel DIRTY or feel like I’m doing something WRONG if I touch my children. I stop bathing my kids when they where 4. I couldn’t deal or over come that it was wrong . And just like that I started pushing my boys slowly away from me . I wouldn’t let them hug me so tight or give me so many kisses. . That sensation of dirtiness just over powered the love that I had for my children…….
Flash forward 10 yrs to the arrival of my Princess.. she is a blessing in disguise. Yet her arrival trigger thoughts and fears that I thought where almost buried. I’m now a mother of soon to been teenagers boys . Who are going thru the change and a girl toddler…..when I found out I was having a girl, I didn’t jump for joy or thought of all the things other mother feel. I felt scared! I was bringing to the world another girl who will be exposed to all the dangers a girl goes thru. When she finally come to the world and I saw my boys holding her, I felt happy for two seconds. Then a dark thought come over me . What if the hurt her? What if they won’t see her as a sister but as something else? These two years have been very tough because I know my boys love her . But I can’t stand to see them hugging or even playing fighting, and again I’m pushing my boys away. Now I’m angry all the time and always jumping to conclusions that aren’t there.
So now I live in fear everyday …