I started feeling alone at a very young age. Like I mention before , I got pregnant at 17. Being pregnant at 17, was the begin of me pushing away people. I couldn’t take the questions “why” ” didn’t they teach you about protection ” . Or the judgement of the family, because you have let them down and have become a stereotype. So it was easier for me to just stay home by myself and drown in my sorrows.
My boyfriend / husband at the time wasn’t very helpful. He constantly “worked ” as he called it. So he wasn’t around, so I could let him know about what was being bottled inside me.
Yes , I had family but again , it was hard to see my family living a happy life . While I was confused , scared and lonely. At times I wanted to let out what I was feeling, but I held back. I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. Or tell me ” well that’s what you get for getting pregnant ” . So I suppressed my feelings and slowly stayed away from friends and family. It was my way to cope. Pushing people away, was my way to justify that I was right! People just tolerate me , because they feel sorry for me.
As time when on , not only did I push away friend and family, but now I’m pushing away my kids. I thought, my kids where going to fill the void I had inside. I love my children deeply, I just can’t show them the way I wish I could .
As they get older the fear of them leaving the nest with out knowing how much I love them , that everything thing I’ve done is for them. That I’m Sorry, if I miss treated them or made them feel they were not loved. Sinks me into this depression I can’t lift myself out off.
One thought on “I push everyone away.”
I need you to continue to be strong, your boys may not see all you are doing right now for them but once they are older and they will realize reality, you will see. They will realize that you have clothed, fed and kept a roof over their head and gave them everything. You raised those boys, their smart, caring and humble because you have taught them right. Everyday, every week, every month set a goal on how to reconnect, my first take on this is to open up to them. I wish you the best on this and I know in the end everything will be okay.
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