I started feeling alone at a very young age. Like I mention before , I got pregnant at 17. Being pregnant at 17, was the begin of me pushing away people. I couldn’t take the questions “why” ” didn’t they teach you about protection ” . Or the judgement of the family, because you have let them down and have become a stereotype. So it was easier for me to just stay home by myself and drown in my sorrows.
My boyfriend / husband at the time wasn’t very helpful. He constantly “worked ” as he called it. So he wasn’t around, so I could let him know about what was being bottled inside me.
Yes , I had family but again , it was hard to see my family living a happy life . While I was confused , scared and lonely. At times I wanted to let out what I was feeling, but I held back. I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. Or tell me ” well that’s what you get for getting pregnant ” . So I suppressed my feelings and slowly stayed away from friends and family. It was my way to cope. Pushing people away, was my way to justify that I was right! People just tolerate me , because they feel sorry for me.
As time when on , not only did I push away friend and family, but now I’m pushing away my kids. I thought, my kids where going to fill the void I had inside. I love my children deeply, I just can’t show them the way I wish I could .
As they get older the fear of them leaving the nest with out knowing how much I love them , that everything thing I’ve done is for them. That I’m Sorry, if I miss treated them or made them feel they were not loved. Sinks me into this depression I can’t lift myself out off.