In my thoughts- 12/12/18

It’s been months since I could take the time to write, not because I didn’t want to but life…it just gets busy and easily distracting. I’ve come to realize that I need to be consistent especially because this blog is my happy place and I tend to forget to take care of me first. I started a new jobs a months ago and I thought this is it, “I finally made it” I have a career, I can pay my bills in full, I have some money in the bank, I can have cake and ice cream whenever I want but I still felt miserable, unhappy with myself, empty and unhappy. I was stuck in this world I didn’t want anymore, still depressed from being laid off, but mostly my marriage. I had been married a year now and it has been by far a painful one, so much misunderstanding immature acts that has left me to fall out of love with my husband. It tears me up just to write that. I have loved this man for 7 long years. Where do I go from here? We recently separated and I’m sad because I feel lonely but than I feel a sense of relief, like I can breathe again. It just hurts because he has been there for me through my darkest moments, fighting breast cancer and my painful childhood demons. What else can any person what? I on one hand dealt with so much pain of why why why?????? Insecurities. After losing my breast at 25 years I lost a part of me, the beautiful happy me. My thoughts consist of, how gross do I look? How does he even find me attracting? There was hope for me. I was depressed.

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