My heart is happy

Today I took a big step towards my healing. I been working so hard to get to this moment. I share with you all that I finally had the conversation with my mom. Now, I’ll take a step back to share with you how I got to this very moment in my life. A few weeks ago I met with a friend of mine to discuss starting a women empowerment group. I talked about my vision and purpose of why I wanted to start one. I briefly brought up my podcast as well. I I told her that I really wanted to one day record my moms story. My friend stopped me right away and said “Amanda, your mom should be your first episode”. It really opened my eyes and I saw what she saw. My mom has a story but not just any story. My mom is a woman who has had quite a traumatic life. My mom is part of my healing, one of the missing pieces to my own story.

My heart feels so happy as my mother and I were able to share stories with each other that I felt ashamed or embarrassed to tell her. I remember noticing her pain but never understood what was going on with her. She was married 19 years to the person that hurt her children but I didn’t realize he was abusing her as well and for so long. She told me stories about my dad and the ongoing abuse she dealt with. I was the reason my parents got married. My mom was three months pregnant with me. She said it was the right thing to do. My mom said my dad was not physically abusive towards her until after they got married. I asked her was he a drunk? She said he wasn’t. He was disturbed, he carried “the evil” as she described it. He hit her for no reason, even when pregnant. I believe her when she told me she always got him back when she wasn’t pregnant anymore. My mom is warrior who holds her own. She lived in fear, she didn’t have as much support as she wish had. Her dad for one was ignorant and old school. My mom shared there was a night my parents and my grandfather and girlfriend at the time was having dinner. My grandfather had more than enough drinks to say how he really felt about woman. He told my father in front of my mom and girlfriend that “a man is in charge and to beat the woman who feels otherwise” My heart took a few extra beats in anger because my dear grandfather was an abusive man who had a fucked up mindset (His story is another post I’ll share in the future).

The conversation went on for hours with my mom as we talked, cried and laughed. It was so intimate and one of the most special moments in my life that I will forever treasure. We had a malfunction with my laptop that prevented me from recording. The first conversation was our moment together and it reassured me that I have strongest mother in the world who loves and supports me in my healing and I learn I was one of missing pieces to her healing.

The recording of the podcast will be posted. My mom will share her steps of her healing.

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