The fear begins taking course

When we came back we found out my mother got married. My stepfather knew what had happened to us. About 2 weeks passed by and he started to touch me and one day he took me into their bedroom once my mom left for work. He took off my clothes and then his. He said that he wanted me to play with him. He turned me over and said it will hurt but you will enjoy it. I tried to scream but he held my mouth shut. He whispered in my ear, “do you want to go back to Mexico.” I didn’t want to expose my sister’s to danger. This kept on for years. He at first sent us to Mexico to meet his family and we were amazed how wonderful they treated us. After that he use to send me to his family in Mexico every school vacation. My sister’s stood home and wondered why they didn’t get to go.

I found out that he did it so I wouldn’t meet a girl and leave. In the building I grew up in, we were 5 teenage boys. There was a girl that lived across the street and we made a bet to see who can get her. I know it was wrong to do it but I seen it as my way out.

I met her and won her over. She was my way out of the living hell I was in. Long story short, I ended up getting married to her at 16 while my stepfather went to Mexico. It was the beginning of the confusing life I began.

I was a senior in high school when it all happened. She was pregnant and I got kicked out of the house. I had to work 1 full time job and 2 part time jobs to pay my bills. Rent, food, furniture, medical and school. She didn’t work and I was the only provider.

I couldn’t run to someone for help because my stepfather stopped my mother from helping me. Her family was messed up also. Her mother was dating her ex-brother-in-law. So her brothers and sisters were being neglected because she was never there.

I couldn’t let them suffer like that. We asked her to move in to her house and take care of them. So I’m now a 16yr old guy taking care of 6 other kids. My 1st son was born. He was a blessing from God. He was always sleeping and didn’t cry when he was hungry or had a dirty diaper. I had to put and alarm to feed him because I was running around cooking, cleaning, reviewing homework and doing my own homework at the same time. All she did was sit in front of the TV and do nothing. Even though it was her brothers and sisters.

One day I get home from my fulltime job and she tells me, she wants to go on vacation because our child was driving her crazy and she didn’t want him. Mind you, he was always sleeping and we needed an alarm to feed him. I was tired of working seven days a week and coming home to do more work. I was heated and instead of arguing and letting things get out of control. I decided to go to bed and calm down.

That night I ended up falling asleep and didn’t put the alarm to feed my son. I woke up the next day and realized I didn’t get up to feed him. I asked her if she did and she replied no. I went to check on him in his crib. I seen the worst thing a parent can see. My son was purple and didn’t move. I started to scream and she got out of bed and started screaming that her baby had died. I was so angry at her because she had said the night before that she didn’t want him. I yelled at her and said, “now he’s your baby when you didn’t want him yesterday. You selfish and manipulative person (not the word I used.)”

My fear was real, my baby boy had gone to heaven and I only enjoyed his presence for 2 months. I lived with anger and hate towards her for 2 years. I felt guilty if I left because her siblings had done nothing wrong and I didn’t want to leave them alone.

The fear continues

After my mom left my dad, she had a hard time paying for daycare. 3 kids in daycare is very pricey. She sent the 3 of us to Mexico to stay with her family. This is when the fear continues in my life. Her family treated us like shit. We were their slaves. They said we had to be grateful to them because my mother forgot about us and wasn’t sending any for us.

We had to get up and feed the animals, then cook breakfast for the family (we were 7,5,3). Once they ate, we ate whatever was leftover. Before we went to school we had to clean the house. We couldn’t walk in with our shoes and if they dirtied the floor, we had to walk behind them and clean it up. This was a year of hell. One night my uncle came home drunk. Everyone was sleeping but I woke up cause I heard my sister trying to scream. I woke up and seen he was on top of her and holding her mouth shut with his hands. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, I stabbed him and he screamed which woke everyone else. He said I wanted to kill him but didn’t mention why. I got dragged to the kitchen and had my hands burned. All I wanted to do was save my sister from getting hurt.

At the end this was how we leave the whole year there. We met our neighbor who tried to help us with food and clean clothes every day on our way to school. On our last day of school we got home and when we got home our routine changed. They were sitting by the door and said, “why are you taking off your shoes, don’t be silly come right in.” As we walk in, my mother sits in a chair waiting for us. Instead of being excited I felt hate because of everything we went through and yelled at her, how could you do this to us. She had proof of the money she sent every 2 weeks. That went we told her everything and she was furious with her family.

She was there to pick us up and bring us back home. This is the when my life got worst.

The story continues, sorry it’s long and in short pieces. Don’t want to make it long and get you bored. It’s just the steps that let to my fear coming true.

The beginning of my fear

I had the privaIige of meeting this brave woman and feel that she is strong and selfless for making this group. I’m a 36yr old guy. I have been afraid to let other people in my life. I fear that my family (boys) can get hurt.

My story begins with a rough childhood. I grew up in a family that was bad, traumatizing and full of lies and fear. I have 2 sister’s, i’m the only boy and middle child. I grew up seeing my mother get hit, make excuses for my father. He was an alcoholic and woman abuser. One day my mother finally had enough and when he wanted to fly to Mexico to see his mother, she bought him a 1way ticket. He didn’t have papers, so he never came back.

I’ll take it from here on my next post.