I push everyone away.

I started feeling alone at a very young age. Like I mention before , I got pregnant at 17. Being pregnant at 17, was the begin of me pushing away people. I couldn’t take the questions “why” ” didn’t they teach you about protection ” . Or the judgement of the family, because you have let them down and have become a stereotype. So it was easier for me to just stay home by myself and drown in my sorrows.

My boyfriend / husband at the time wasn’t very helpful. He constantly “worked ” as he called it. So he wasn’t around, so I could let him know about what was being bottled inside me.

Yes , I had family but again , it was hard to see my family living a happy life . While I was confused , scared and lonely. At times I wanted to let out what I was feeling, but I held back. I didn’t want them to feel sorry for me. Or tell me ” well that’s what you get for getting pregnant ” . So I suppressed my feelings and slowly stayed away from friends and family. It was my way to cope. Pushing people away, was my way to justify that I was right! People just tolerate me , because they feel sorry for me.

As time when on , not only did I push away friend and family, but now I’m pushing away my kids. I thought, my kids where going to fill the void I had inside. I love my children deeply, I just can’t show them the way I wish I could .

As they get older the fear of them leaving the nest with out knowing how much I love them , that everything thing I’ve done is for them. That I’m Sorry, if I miss treated them or made them feel they were not loved. Sinks me into this depression I can’t lift myself out off.

Every day I pray….

Everyday I pray. I give thanks for yet another day. I also pray that maybe this day will be different. That I won’t think about what happen, that nothing will trigger a memory. That maybe for a day I could be a happy mom. A fulfilled partner. That I won’t slowly sink into my depression of all the negative things that surround me. That I won’t let all the anger and frustration that’s been bottled up , finally burst! I pray, for forgiveness and strength. Strength to over come the demons inside of me. I pray, for wisdom. Wisdom to understand the things that I , in this moment can’t. Finally, I pray, for all those like me to one day find peace and finally be happy.

My scars have evolved

I got pregnant at 17. I feel me pregnant at such a young age, was a escape route for what I was hiding inside. My now ex husband, had everything I was lacking. A “family” I admire how close they where. How they shared their love for their parents. Everything I didn’t have at home . So I though I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh! Boy, was I wrong . But that my friends is another story.

I’m going to move forward a couple yrs. To me having my two boys. I’m now 20, with two children and yet I felt lonelier than ever. Don’t get me wrong I love my children, but I have to be honest I can’t truly express my love for them. Something inside of me won’t allow me to be that warm heart loving mother I always wanted to be. I can’t help to feel DIRTY or feel like I’m doing something WRONG if I touch my children. I stop bathing my kids when they where 4. I couldn’t deal or over come that it was wrong . And just like that I started pushing my boys slowly away from me . I wouldn’t let them hug me so tight or give me so many kisses. . That sensation of dirtiness just over powered the love that I had for my children…….

Flash forward 10 yrs to the arrival of my Princess.. she is a blessing in disguise. Yet her arrival trigger thoughts and fears that I thought where almost buried. I’m now a mother of soon to been teenagers boys . Who are going thru the change and a girl toddler…..when I found out I was having a girl, I didn’t jump for joy or thought of all the things other mother feel. I felt scared! I was bringing to the world another girl who will be exposed to all the dangers a girl goes thru. When she finally come to the world and I saw my boys holding her, I felt happy for two seconds. Then a dark thought come over me . What if the hurt her? What if they won’t see her as a sister but as something else? These two years have been very tough because I know my boys love her . But I can’t stand to see them hugging or even playing fighting, and again I’m pushing my boys away. Now I’m angry all the time and always jumping to conclusions that aren’t there.

So now I live in fear everyday …

My bad attitude

Ever since I was very young, I always had a very bad attitude. I was always angry, I fought with my sisters, I stole, started drinking at 12, I was the family rebel. I tried my best to be home as little as possible. I loved my mom and I hated feeling that I couldn’t spend time with her at home. There was a evil spirit that lived in our home, my “father”. I put that in quotations because I’ve never actually looked at him as my father. Yeah I had to smile and bull shit on Father’s Day, but I hated him. I remember hating him from a very young age. It was because of him that I grew up to fast, and that I didn’t get to have a happy home growing up. Now don’t get me wrong I’m 27 now and lord knows I still have a bad attitude, but when you grow up with so much hate in your heart it’s hard to get rid of it all…

In search of peace

Hi, I recently join this blog. My cousin actually proposed it to me as a way to help me reach out, or to help talk about what we’ve been thru and continue to go thru.  Now , I’m going to be honest. I find it very hard. I’ve always have kept everything to my self, thinking I’m the only one going thru it. As I got older and realized how common it was, instead of helping cope with it . I feel like I suppress it even more and it created FEAR inside of  me.

But before I get into all of that. I’m going to tell you a little bit about my self. I’m 32, with 3 amazing kids, although they drive me insane sometimes. They also center me, their the reason I won’t give up. I’ve been thru a lot in these 32 yrs of my life. From sexual abuse , physical abuse , divorce, mental abuse,  Even sexual harassment at work.

Although I have siblings and you could say a I have some support at home. I just couldn’t  let anyone know what was happening to me. Being the oldest in the family., Made me feel like I had to be strong for everyone so whatever I was going  thru didn’t really matter. That’s how I’ve carried myself for all these years. Until tragedy hit home.  When I found out that I wasn’t the only going thru this , but it had happen to my sister and cousin. I was devastated in the sense of not being their to help them. The taunting thoughts “what if I would said something ” maybe they would of been spared” “ Why didn’t I say anything ?”  And “ why did this happen to us” Just because it’s still  hard for me to get into details about what happen. I’m just gonna say a uncle/ father did things to his daughters and nieces that have SCARD them forever……

If you guys want to continue with me , on this journey to find peace let me know .  I will keep sharing.

Thank you.

How?

How can you forget a trauma? If you have triggers all around?

How can you move forward, if your past keeps dragging back?

How can you trust in someone, if everyone has let you down?

how can you stop the voices that tell you to end it?

This was a tough read! I’m so happy she found the strength to heal herself and to allow herself to forgive! #strength

Today’s topic is a rather heavy one. But sadly one that happens too often. My story is in no way unique. In fact it’s been said that on average one in five girls will become a victim of sexual abuse by age 17 and one in nine boys by age 17. Every eight minuets, child…

via My Sexual Abuse Story and How I Forgave My Abuser — The Bipolar Writer