My scars have evolved

I got pregnant at 17. I feel me pregnant at such a young age, was a escape route for what I was hiding inside. My now ex husband, had everything I was lacking. A “family” I admire how close they where. How they shared their love for their parents. Everything I didn’t have at home . So I though I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh! Boy, was I wrong . But that my friends is another story.

I’m going to move forward a couple yrs. To me having my two boys. I’m now 20, with two children and yet I felt lonelier than ever. Don’t get me wrong I love my children, but I have to be honest I can’t truly express my love for them. Something inside of me won’t allow me to be that warm heart loving mother I always wanted to be. I can’t help to feel DIRTY or feel like I’m doing something WRONG if I touch my children. I stop bathing my kids when they where 4. I couldn’t deal or over come that it was wrong . And just like that I started pushing my boys slowly away from me . I wouldn’t let them hug me so tight or give me so many kisses. . That sensation of dirtiness just over powered the love that I had for my children…….

Flash forward 10 yrs to the arrival of my Princess.. she is a blessing in disguise. Yet her arrival trigger thoughts and fears that I thought where almost buried. I’m now a mother of soon to been teenagers boys . Who are going thru the change and a girl toddler…..when I found out I was having a girl, I didn’t jump for joy or thought of all the things other mother feel. I felt scared! I was bringing to the world another girl who will be exposed to all the dangers a girl goes thru. When she finally come to the world and I saw my boys holding her, I felt happy for two seconds. Then a dark thought come over me . What if the hurt her? What if they won’t see her as a sister but as something else? These two years have been very tough because I know my boys love her . But I can’t stand to see them hugging or even playing fighting, and again I’m pushing my boys away. Now I’m angry all the time and always jumping to conclusions that aren’t there.

So now I live in fear everyday …

My bad attitude

Ever since I was very young, I always had a very bad attitude. I was always angry, I fought with my sisters, I stole, started drinking at 12, I was the family rebel. I tried my best to be home as little as possible. I loved my mom and I hated feeling that I couldn’t spend time with her at home. There was a evil spirit that lived in our home, my “father”. I put that in quotations because I’ve never actually looked at him as my father. Yeah I had to smile and bull shit on Father’s Day, but I hated him. I remember hating him from a very young age. It was because of him that I grew up to fast, and that I didn’t get to have a happy home growing up. Now don’t get me wrong I’m 27 now and lord knows I still have a bad attitude, but when you grow up with so much hate in your heart it’s hard to get rid of it all…

In search of peace

Hi, I recently join this blog. My cousin actually proposed it to me as a way to help me reach out, or to help talk about what we’ve been thru and continue to go thru.  Now , I’m going to be honest. I find it very hard. I’ve always have kept everything to my self, thinking I’m the only one going thru it. As I got older and realized how common it was, instead of helping cope with it . I feel like I suppress it even more and it created FEAR inside of  me.

But before I get into all of that. I’m going to tell you a little bit about my self. I’m 32, with 3 amazing kids, although they drive me insane sometimes. They also center me, their the reason I won’t give up. I’ve been thru a lot in these 32 yrs of my life. From sexual abuse , physical abuse , divorce, mental abuse,  Even sexual harassment at work.

Although I have siblings and you could say a I have some support at home. I just couldn’t  let anyone know what was happening to me. Being the oldest in the family., Made me feel like I had to be strong for everyone so whatever I was going  thru didn’t really matter. That’s how I’ve carried myself for all these years. Until tragedy hit home.  When I found out that I wasn’t the only going thru this , but it had happen to my sister and cousin. I was devastated in the sense of not being their to help them. The taunting thoughts “what if I would said something ” maybe they would of been spared” “ Why didn’t I say anything ?”  And “ why did this happen to us” Just because it’s still  hard for me to get into details about what happen. I’m just gonna say a uncle/ father did things to his daughters and nieces that have SCARD them forever……

If you guys want to continue with me , on this journey to find peace let me know .  I will keep sharing.

Thank you.

I’m sorry mom

At such a young age I had figured out right from wrong but fear played a huge role. Fear of hurting my mother, breaking apart the only family I have. My mom is not educated, worked at minimum wage, my dad had some luck over the years, landed a $70k gig in his 20’s. I think I was 12-13 years old when it really hit me, if I opened my mouth what will happen to us? Will I get in trouble? Where will my sisters and I live? Will my mom hate me? This was a lot of responsibility for a preteen. How do I be a kid again? I couldn’t. By the age of 18, I had a plan to get out of the house. Join the army and never look back. I was running and I wanted to run as far as I could. But I couldn’t, at 18 I was scared to leave my mom and sisters with that man, the one who would physically, verbally and sexually abuse us. Only thing, no one knew about the sexual abuse but me or so I thought.

How?

How can you forget a trauma? If you have triggers all around?

How can you move forward, if your past keeps dragging back?

How can you trust in someone, if everyone has let you down?

how can you stop the voices that tell you to end it?

This was a tough read! I’m so happy she found the strength to heal herself and to allow herself to forgive! #strength

Today’s topic is a rather heavy one. But sadly one that happens too often. My story is in no way unique. In fact it’s been said that on average one in five girls will become a victim of sexual abuse by age 17 and one in nine boys by age 17. Every eight minuets, child…

via My Sexual Abuse Story and How I Forgave My Abuser — The Bipolar Writer

Baby steps…

We all have to start healing some where, baby steps is the best way to take it!

Her Inner Healing

I am a few short weeks of turning 30 and I look back about 25 years and I think to myself what ever happened to that sweet little girl. Well, she is all grown up now and let me tell you I am ready to tell my story but before I do that I want to give you a little background. I grew up in Chicago and was raised by both parents, father born in Michoacan, Mexico and my mother in San Antonio, Texas. I am the oldest of three sisters, sad to say no boys, so growing up my dad and his brothers taught us the hard work of playing basketball. Let me tell you, it was no fun having braces as a teen, I had trouble catching fast balls so I always had bloody lips when playing. My dad was super strict growing up, but was always involved…

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